Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
