She just used a chaser for red wine.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I'm sobbing to NWA
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
