i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
