If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
