Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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