so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
