I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
