I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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