My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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