Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
