nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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