I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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