i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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