alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
