he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Those nachos came to me in a dream
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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