Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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