there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
You left your phone here
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