my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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