just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize