I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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