Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
