Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
