dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
