I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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