I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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