if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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