haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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