Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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