Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
