gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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