Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
