Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
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