So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
