There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
