I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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