i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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