she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
