I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
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