I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize