Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
