i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize