im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
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