im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
