Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
