She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
