Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
