Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Randomize
