I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
