Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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