i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
