he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
