I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
