Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
