the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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