I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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