Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
Little spoons don't ask big questions
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
