he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
