I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
