My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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