never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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