new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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